Raid on #Area51

Okay, someone spilled the beans and leaked the secret plans for the raid on Area 51. The Air force has had plenty of time to relocate the aliens. Now we have a new plan. Please keep this secret.

We’ll still meet at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction on September 20 as previously planned. That will be a distraction for the Air Force. A handpicked squad of space commandos will then use a time machine to go back in time anywhere from one to three years. Using a transporter, the commandos will beam inside the warehouse at Area 51. Once inside, the commandos will free as many aliens as possible, beams them outside and then time travel with them back to the present. Once freed, the aliens will be sent to safe houses until the next phase can be planned. That’s the plan; plain and simple.

Here are some guidelines for proper etiquette when meeting aliens:

1. Remember that the aliens are our guests.
2. DO NOT hand your cellphone to an Extra-Terrestrial (ET) and say, “ET, call home.” It’s not funny anymore.
3. DO NOT feed the aliens, especially Reese’s Pieces. We don’t know their dietary requirements.
4. DO NOT eat anything an alien may offer you.
5. DO NOT extend your hand to an alien unless the alien extends an appendage to you first.
6. Some aliens may not be pretty. DO NOT show disgust or fear when you meet one. Remember, you may appear ugly to them also.
7. DO NOT take an alien home. The plan is for them to go to a safe house. Do not let an alien adopt one of your children.
8. Aliens may not understand some of our languages. Raising your voice doesn’t help them to understand you any better and is just rude.
9. DO NOT bring your pets. We don’t know the aliens’ dietary requirements.
10. DO NOT ask for autographs; photographs and selfies are okay.
11. DO NOT try to mate with an alien. They are a completely different species. There is no guarantee of what will happen.
12. Most of the aliens probably do not read out languages. DO NOT give them any literature, especially religious or political.
13. If you were abducted and probed by aliens, this isn’t the time or place to resolve those issues. Stay home.

Here are some guidelines for you if you plan to join us:

1. Firearms can’t be discharged at any time. That includes rifles, pistols, grenades, phasers, lasers, pulse cannons, plasma cannons, phase cannons, disruptors, and phased polaron cannons. Squirt guns with H2O are okay.
2. There’s plenty of free parking in the desert. Sand is free. Take some home.
3. If you plan to fly your own spacecraft, make sure you have enough deuterium, antimatter and dilithium crystals for a round trip. There are no facilities to supply these. DO NOT attempt to fly over Edwards Air Force Base air space. The Air Force may shoot you down.
4. If you plan to drive, bring extra cans of gasoline and diesel fuel.
5. Bring plenty of water (it’s a desert, folks). Bring extra water for one or two aliens.
6. Food should not be a problem. There are food trucks coming from Las Vegas, LA and San Diego. Celebrity chef Guy Fieri is offering free radioactive ribs. Bud Light has offered free Bud Light for any alien that makes it out.
7. There won’t be enough porta potties. Bring shoves and bury your s**t. Bring plenty of toilet paper too.
8. Plastic bags are banned. Use only paper bags or eco-friendly bags. Take your trash home with you. We want to leave the desert cleaner than before we arrived.
9. Open fires are banned including BBQ grills. We don’t want to start a brush fire and kill any aliens.
10. Keep phasers on stun with the safeties on. We don’t want any incidents like last time.

​Remember, the plan is to meet and greet some aliens and have fun.

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