
1. No Smoking: Instead of this sign, try “Smoking in this Area May Result in an Explosion that will Blast Your Ass into the Next county.”
2. No Cell Phone Use: Instead of this sign, try “If the Life Support Equipment Stops Working Because You Used a Cell Phone, Notify the Nurses’ Station Immediately.”
3. No Parking: Instead of this sign, try “Cars Parked Here will be Towed, Crushed and Compacted into a 3-foot Cube.”
4. Beware of Dog: Instead of this sign, try “Beware of Flesh Eating Virus.”
5. Hard Hat Area: Instead of this sign, try “Do not Try to Catch Falling Objects with Your Head.”
6. Authorized Personnel Only: Instead of this sign, try “Authorized Personnel Only, Zombies Have Not Been Feed.”
7. Shop Lifters Will Be Persecuted: Instead of this sign, try “Shoplifters will be Shot on Sight, Dragged Through the Store and Dumped in the Street.”
8. No Trespassing, Keep Out or Private Property: Instead of these signs, try “Property Patrolled by Armed Robots of Low Artificial Intelligence.”
9. Alarm will Sound if Door is Opened: Instead of this sign, try “Opening this Door Will Set Off IED.”
10. No Weapons: Instead of this sign, try “Radiation in this Area Will Cause Concealed Weapons to Discharge.”
11. Warning Wet Floor: Instead of this sign, try “This is NOT the Olympics – Stay off the Wet Floor.”
12. High Voltage: Instead of this sign, try “High Voltage Will Fry Your Ass.”
13. No Exit: Instead of this sign, try “Beware of Booby Trapped Door.”
If these signs fail to work, no sign will work. Sorry.
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