The Mystique of Manhood
The Women’s March in Washington, D.C. the #Metoo movement and the #Timesup movement have motivated me to write an exposé that’ll blow the lid off the code of silence (bro code) of the brotherhood of men. I can no longer abide with the cover up and fraud that men have perpetuated upon women. At the risk of losing my subscription to Esquire Magazine and Cosmopolitan, I’ll debunk the myths and misconceptions of the mystique of manhood. It’ll be a tell all, name names (like Thomas, Richard and Harry) and scandalous mea culpa. In all fairness, I want to give my followers and fans, especially the male ones, fair warning and a preview of what to except when my exposé explodes upon the public. I’m sure I will receive hate mail and threats from my fellow males for violating the bro code. Sorry guys, but the time has come. Our women have spoken. Here’s a preview:
Myth Number 1: Men leave the toilet seat up as a way of marking their territory.
The Truth: Men can’t remember to put the seat down. At a very early age, men learn not to pee on the toilet lid and/or seat, so they remember to raise them. However, whenever men manage to get 80% of their urine into the toilet, they are so proud of themselves that they forget to put the seat down. Sorry.
Myth Number 2: Men will never admit when they are wrong.
The Truth: Okay, I got nothing. This one is true. Wait! Did I just admit that I was wrong? Maybe there is something here. I’ll get back to you on this. However, men don’t like to be embarrassed in front of women.
Myth Number 3: Men have an unerring sense of direction and won’t admit when they’re lost.
The Truth: Men are no better at directions than women are. There, I said it! Why don’t men admit when they are lost and ask for directions? See Myth Number 2. When driving alone, men will seek out another brother and ask for directions. When driving with a female, some men will drive around for hours hoping their female passenger will recognize a landmark. Women navigate by landmarks.
Myth Number 3: Men like to barbeque.
The Truth: This one is easy to debunk. Men like meat and will eat almost any meat whether it’s cooked or not (except sushi). The truth is that since men came out of caves walking upright, fire has fascinated them. Sometimes men will go out and start the grill just to watch it burn without anything cooking.
Myth Number 4: Men are poor dressers.
The Truth: Not True! Men know how to dress. However, men do like to be the center of attention. The best way to do that is to wear something inappropriate. Men have been known to wear black socks with sandals just to get attention from significant others (and daughters).
Myth Number 5: Men don’t like Opera.
The Truth: Not true. Men admire opera. We thought her show was good, and her O Magazine has articles that even men can enjoy. Oh, wait. Did I say Opera? I meant to say Oprah. My mistake. Sorry. Never mind.
Myth Number 6: Men have trouble expressing their feelings.
The Truth: Bull crap! This really pisses me off! Men have no problem expressing their feelings... to other men. Whenever men gather in small groups for poker or golf, the conversation always turns to feelings. Men perpetuate the idea that they talk about women in these gathering, but it’s simply not the case. Men think that expressing feelings with women is a sign of weakness, so they don’t do it. In addition, it usually starts a long conversation, and men do hate long conversations.
Myth Number 7: Men are good at killing bugs and spiders.
The Truth: Another myth. Men are afraid of bugs and spiders too. People believe that since men are supposed to be hunters that they enjoy killing bugs. Men got over that a long time ago. They hate to be the one to kill them. To look heroic in front of women, men will stalk and ritually kill pieces of lint and dust bunnies. I know some men that save those fake plastic spiders from Halloween and scatter them around the house. This goes back to men wanting to be the center of attention – Myth 4.
Myth Number 8: Men are better than women are at math.
The Truth: Not true. Only women can multiply. Men envy that. Case closed.
Myth Number 9. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing men look at is her butt.
The Truth: Simply not true. I think I can speak for all men when I say this. When a sexy woman walks by, the first thing I look at is the back of her head. Then I ask myself, “I wonder if she has a brain to go along with that really nice ass?”
Myth Number 10. Men are afraid of commitment.
The Truth: Also not true. Men aren’t afraid of commitment – they are afraid of women. All women scare the hell out of us.
Myth Number 11. Men like dogs better than cats.
The Truth: It’s not that men like dogs better than cats – they don’t. It’s just that men get excited and confused when women ask men if they would like a little “pussy.” The conversation never ends well. It is easier to talk about dogs, although they can be bitches too.
Myth Number 12: Men don’t have close friends the way women do.
The Truth: This is another popular myth perpetuated by men. All men have a secret Facebook page. On that page, they have many friends including ex-girlfriends/wives, your sisters, and that good-looking divorcee next door. They also have secret Twitter, Linkedin and Pinterest accounts.
Myth Number 13: Men don’t listen.
The Truth: I’m sorry. What were you saying?
Myth Number 14: Men aren’t sincere when they say they are sorry and it won’t happen again.
The Truth: Okay, there’s a nugget of truth in this myth. Let’s face it - men are stubborn. By the time men finally get around to saying they’re sorry, they’ve forgotten what they’re sorry about, so they just say the words.
Myth Number 15. Men will cheat if given the opportunity.
The Truth: Okay, this is basically true. However, women must share part of the blame. If there were no women to cheat with, men would not cheat. Well, a few might.
Myth Number 16. Men don’t cry.
The Truth: Absolutely false. Men do cry; for example, when our favorite sports team loses, or our Alma Mater loses, or the best player on one of our teams gets traded. Men just don’t cry in public or in front of women.
Myth Number 17. Men don’t have feelings.
The Truth: Men do have feelings. For example, we feel hunger.
Myth Number 18. Men don’t like to hug other men.
The Truth: This is another myth. Men hug as long as they can slap each other hard on the back.
Myth Number 19: Men have fragile egos.
The Truth: I resemble that remark. I couldn’t disagree more. Our egos are just find if no one hurts our feelings.
Myth Number 20: Men are basically color blind.
The Truth: Okay, this one is basically true. Of course, there are some exceptional men who are fashion designers and interior decorators. The rest of us have no idea what teal, periwinkle, mauve, marsala and ochre are.
Myth Number 20: Men don’t like ballet.
The Truth: Not true. A bunch of cute women dancing around in tights – what’s not to like.
I hope this helps you women who are trying to understand men. My expose may be published soon.